failure by design

i_luv_rocknroll @ 2005-04-18T17:32:00

2005-04-18T21:32:56Z

people- everyone add my new journal. i feel lonely with only like 3 mutual friends.

falling__stars_

you can list your friends, but you can't count on them.

2005-04-18T01:20:42Z

so, how about i have a new livejournal. falling__stars_ (2 underscores in the middle) [ps- thanks sara. love the password more than life]

so add me, biotches. i'll be adding people and such tonight, then tomorrow i'm figuring out how to go about joining all of my millions of communities again. gish, that will take a while...

ok. going to make my layout freakin sexy.

dayton. hardcore.

2005-04-17T22:07:39Z

ok. so we went to dayton. i started off super sick. fever and wicked congestion. i couldn't walk one step without not being able to breathe. i was so drugged up on all kinds of medicine, i can't remember the bus ride there. but it was long and kogut frequently checked my temperature. fevers suck hardcore.

so... we get there at about 3am. we sleep until , practice, and go to the nutter center. we got 3rd in pre-lims. hardcore awesome, biotch.

yea. practice day... did i mention my family stalks me? well, they do. my aunt lives 3 minutes away from our hotel, so she took my cousin and my granma to watch us practice. then later that night, she brought me cookies and milk. because supposedly anyone who likes cookies has to have milk. so with millions of cookies, she brings 2 gallons of milk. so we drink 1/2, give 1/2 to nicole who really loves milk, and then we give a gallon to some random florida kids, who me and kahla ended up talking on the phone with until 2 am. or whatever time that was.

so, finals. awesome awesome day. we get in a big line next to all of the other schools, and i'm right next to "sexy salem emo kid". we start talking and then we ended up hanging out for a while. he has a name. it's charlie. he's hot. and i think he's the type of kid i would fall in love with if he lived near here. seriously... he's super awesome. good times.

so... idk it was a great week, it really was. there's millions more details that are just awesome and a half, but i'm like super exausted from theatre today. but i have my giant iced coffee. i'm all set.

caffeine = love love love

my last entry before dayton.

2005-04-13T02:57:17Z

i'm excited. i'm scared. and i'm folding laundry. that means only one thing. DAYTON. i've been waiting since forever for this trip. to get out of the house. oh my gosh, just the thought of leaving everything here is priceless. wish us luck at WGI's.

leaving home = love love love

i_luv_rocknroll @ 2005-04-12T20:07:00

2005-04-13T00:21:52Z

( ) i have a cell phone.
( ) i am an only child.
(x) i am a shopaholic...
( ) i love/like dangly earrings.
(x) i have smoked a cigarette before.
( ) i have done/doing drugs
( ) i am an alcoholic
( but not snow ) i love cold weather.
(x) i'm obsessed with the computer.
( they scare me ) i have shot a gun before.
(x) i can't live without music.
(x) i have no tolerance of ignorant people.
(x) i have ridden on a motorcycle before.
( ) i'll be in this town forever.
( ) i've been to 5 other countries.
( ) i get annoyed easily.
(x) i eventually want kids.
(x) i have neat handwriting...
(x) i have more than a few horrible memories.
(x) i am addicted to chocolate...
(x) i have siblings.
( ) my parents are strict.
(x) i love airplane rides.
(x) i love taking pictures.
(x) i hate people who are fake...
(x) i can be mean when i want to.
(x) my parents care about my grades.
(x) one of my best friends is a guy...
( i'm so obsessed ) i have way too many purses.
( ) i'm obsessed with lip gloss.
(x) i am easy to talk to...
(x) i cry easily.
(x) i hate when people are late...
(x) i procrastinate...
( ) i love winter.
( ) i have too many clothes for my closet/dresser.
(x) i love to sleep.
(xxx) i wish i were smarter.
( ) i'm afraid of flying.
(x) i HATE drama.
(x) i bite my nails...
(x oh how i adored those 14 hour drives to ohio and canada as a child ) i have been on a 8 hour car ride...
( ) i never fight with my parents.
(x) i love the beach....
( ) i have never had the chicken pox...
(x) i have gone out in public in my pajamas.
( ) i can't control my emotions.
( ) i have moved more than once.
(x) i truly love my friends.
( ) i have/had braces.
(x) i love to write.
(x) i love my computer...
(x) i love guys that play the drums...
(x) i state the obvious...
(x) i'm a happy person...
(x) i love to dance.
(x) i love to sing...
(xxx) i love cleaning my room.
(xxxxx) i tend to get jealous very easily.
(x) i love cute boxers
(x) i love night better than day.
(X) i have been on the phone for over 5 hours at a time.
(x) i don't like to study for tests.
( ) i have had pneumonia.
( ) i am too forgiving.
( ) i have horrible sense in direction.
(x) i miss elementary school.
(x) i love kisses on my forehead.
( ) i love the color pink.
( ) i love to sew.
(x) my eye color changes...
( ) i should see a therapist.
( ) i play on a guys sports team.
(x) i become stressed easily.
(x) i hate liars.
(x) i like comfy sweatpants.
( ) i can play the piano.
(x) i love the smell of rain.
(x) i love my family.
(x) i hate needles.
( ) i am a perfectionist.
(x) i always wanted to learn to play the guitar
(x) i hate the feeling of failure.
( milena ) i have friends in other countries.
(x) i know how to cook.
(A little spanish) i can speak another language.
( ) at times i can be quite selfish.
(x) at times, i still act like a little kid.
(x) i have allergies.
(x) i love Babies.
(x) i love to read.
( ) i wish i were more motivated for school.
(x) i love getting stuff in the mail.
(x) i have problems with letting go of old feelings/memories
(x) i hate being alone.
(x) i love friends and think i can never have too many
(x) i love summer.
(x) i love the weekends.
(x) i love black eyeliner.
(x) i can type with one hand.
(x) i live in a house.
(x) i wear make-up.
( ) i have never rode on an underground subway.
( ) i can't swim.
(x) i have bad memories.
( oh yes, all the time ) i go to church.
(x) i sing in the shower.
( ) i have never been camping.
( ) i hate cheerleaders.
( ) i usually get what i want.
(x) i have been on stage before.
(x) i love roller coasters.
(x) no one knows the full story of my life.
(x) i am close with my parent

i_luv_rocknroll @ 2005-04-12T16:16:00

2005-04-12T20:17:57Z

today wasn't as warm as i was hoping. but... the cherry blossom tree has buds on it. :] very excited. i hope this summer is as good as last summer...

i didn't write this, i found it in some community

2005-04-12T19:31:17Z

the best ramen noodle
o how I favor the flavor of chicken
so salty so sweet its the best day time treat
to all those who are left unconvinced of this microwavable wonder
I must shout from the tips of the highest tops of Everest that chicken is the a flavor to ponder
how do they package the magic of chicken?
who and where graced our lands with the gourmet dish that requires no bakin?
o chicken o noodle o love of my kitchen how should I fair without thee?

i_luv_rocknroll @ 2005-04-12T13:00:00

2005-04-12T17:23:44Z

faint light through a window
shines like a promise

i had a big poem starting with this line. it seems that the more i change, edit, delete or add on to the poem, i just can't come up with anything to say that matches it's perfection and beauty. maybe i'm the only one that likes this line... i don't know. gosh, someone help me. it's been driving me crazy for about 3 weeks now. i also had this line in there somewhere:

and i'm so happy
i could cry

perhaps i should tell you where i was when i thought of this poem. and how i was feeling and what i was thinking. here goes. i was at school, after clay club, waiting for my ride home. it was the first gorgeous day of spring. it was so nice and warm out, with a light breeze. i was inside sitting across from the band room. at this point, there was no one around. i looked inside the band room window for no apparent reason. it was pitch black, apart from a faint light shining through a cloudy window in the guard room. but the way it hit the band room was somehow inspiring. it made me feel like summer, with the warmth and the light breeze. it reminded me of all of the good times with cassandra up in maine, because that's what the weather was when i spent a week up there. it reminded me of matt, and this one perfect summer day that we had. it reminded me of sami jo, and how we would go to the lake in the summer, and swing on the swing set and sing along to ashlee simpson and avril... as much as i dislike both of those singers, it still gives me a good feeling to hear them. i can ramble on and on forever about everything i was thinking of. i was feeling so happy that i had all of these good memories, but i was also so sad to think of how everything has changed. i might never get on that swing set and sing along to avril and laugh and talk with sami jo. given the circumstances with cassandra, i might not go up there this summer. and the spark of love is almost gone with matt. and it makes me so happy to think of all of these good times and days of happiness. and also sad, because things change. life changes like people do, and the clouds and the ocean waves, and feelings, and the seasons. summer isn't going to be the same this year.

and that whole rambling entry is what my poem was about. but i can never write anything to match the perfection of my memory and thought.

i_luv_rocknroll @ 2005-04-12T12:29:00

2005-04-12T16:36:50Z

people: i have a new goal. i have to get down to 130 pounds. if not, i'm like screwed for summer. i only have like 2 months, so i need to lose like one and a half pounds a week. so if you ever see me eat anything with a high amount of sugar, fat, or carbs, stop me. seriously. sara, kahla and carrie: make sure i stick to salads at lunch (i've been craving pizza lately)or wraps. but if i get a wrap, don't let me put mayo on it.

as for me, i'm going to the fridge and throwing out anything that i might be tempted to eat that will stop me from losing this awful weight.

then i'm going upstairs to finish cleaning my room. then the mat goes down and the workout tapes go in for the next 2 hours.

i_luv_rocknroll @ 2005-04-12T11:19:00

2005-04-12T15:23:50Z

well i didn't go to percussion last night because i was sick. i woke up this morning and felt a lot betetr, and i wanted to go to school, but my mom said i had a temp. so i slept until 11. i feel so refreshed. i haven't slept in days. seriously. like little naps in school and that's it. this was so welcomed. so today i plan on cleaning my room and finishing packing for dayton (in case you didn't know, the percussion ensemble is going to wgi championships in dayton, ohio this year). we leave tomorrow. i'm so excited. you don't even understand. unless you're carrie. this is going to be the best thing in a long time for me. :]

a day. just a day this time. normal...

2005-04-11T18:49:36Z

i woke up sick. i honestly think it's because i haven't beeen letting out my emotions. like crying and things. i felt like crap until band. and then walsh's class i felt even worse than i felt when i woke up. so... today was just a normal day.

i have, however, been thinking about hate all day. like, what's the point? you waste so much of your life hating people, and it isn't even worth it. where's the gain? what do we get for being mean to others? the word hate is pretty nasty and ugly sounding, too. and it's so strong. half of the things people say they hate are probably so minor, and hate is just an unnessecary thing. i'm sure we would all be a lot happier if we abolished hate in our lives. i'm not talking about the world. forget the world. think about you, and how much precious time you're wasting hating people and things... i'm sure we would all gain from taking it out of our vocabulary and feelings.
so, long thoughts short... i don't hate anyone. i don't hate anything. i disagree with people's opinions and actions, but i don't hate them. i dislike who they are, but that's no reason to be unnessecarily rude or mean to them.

look at me and all of my epiphanies.

join, biotch

2005-04-11T02:59:59Z

my epiphany, as you call it.

2005-04-11T02:18:51Z

how did i become so ugly on the inside? do you remember when i was a really nice person? i do... and i don't know what happened. and its so gross of me to be like this. near the beginning of the year... i liked everyone. i even liked kerry.

i hate myself so much. look at who i have become. i feel old and bitter and so broken and torn that its gotten me so far down under, i cant see any light from where i'm looking.i've become shallow. i've become so wrapped up into myself. i'm everything that i hated in other people. everything that made people unappealing to me, i see in myself.

and you call it an epiphany. but i have a feeling you knew all along, and when i was trying so hard to see it, you just didnt tell me.

this all reminds me of how i was last summer. with cassandra... i was up in maine and everyone loved me, even her mom was forced to like me, because i was fun and nice and a good person. now look. this is what i've become. and it's no wonder why you hate me now. or at least why i feel like you hate me now.

and this is another learning experience. i'm going to be a better person at the end for my inconsiderate and lame actions now.

i_luv_rocknroll @ 2005-04-10T21:48:00

2005-04-11T01:51:32Z

i think i hate you for the wrong reasons. it's jealousy, maybe. you've always known i am the most jealous person you'll ever come across.

you make me want to die. because i want to be just like you. because i'm so jealous of you. because i feel like you have everything and i have nothing. and it may be wrong but that's how it is. i'm an ugly cowardly person and it will never change because i loathe and want everything you are at the same time. and no one will ever save me from myself. and i've been meaning to tell you that since january 4th.

and you need to know that, but like i said, i am a cowardly person. and i can never tell that to you online, let alone your face. so i'm just hoping that you read this, i suppose. and maybe you'll start to hate me. because maybe you'll finally see.

i_luv_rocknroll @ 2005-04-10T21:26:00

2005-04-11T01:29:13Z

well. today i woke up to the sound of saws and drills and crowbars and hammers. it was a wonderfully warm day. i saw a butterfly (the first one of spring)and i saw some green leafage going on on the ground in the woods. it looked interesting protruding through the dingy grey leaves, and showing through the bare trees. i thought i would write a poem about it, but i'm not going to anymore. because i don't know what to say... but it was promising and beautiful.

yes, this is about you, and yes my mom says stuff like that.

2005-04-10T22:59:13Z

saves the day- my sweet fracture

Could you tell me the next time that you're choking?
'Cause I'll rush right over
to shove some dirt right down your throat
It's nothing I have against you
You're just a creep and
you can't remember the last five years
What's a bond if it dissolves in water?
I took a piss that lasted longer
than you and your manipulations
I called my mom last night
She said, "Sweetie, you don't need someone
who's more fleeting than fall"
'Cause don't you love those leaves?
Don't you wish the orange stayed forever
And Crickets sang in the night all through winter?"
And I thought, slow down, Chris
Think of all the time this jerk
has fucked you up and left you down
And hey, I choose my company
by the beating of their hearts
Not the swelling of their heads
Besides, I'd rather forget the days we spent
Than try to stay afloat in shallow water

finally, a song that says how i feel when i couldn't explain it right to you.

i_luv_rocknroll @ 2005-04-10T02:46:00

2005-04-10T06:54:28Z

today was the perfect day. nothing made me upset or angry. we got significant work done on our silly office. i had a nice long phone conversation with dan filled with random sillyness. "BOXES!" and i loved it... it definately completed my day seeing how i havent talked to him like that in what seems like forever. the car wash was fun as hell. i got my morning coffee from dunkin donuts when i woke up, and everything was just splendid. i made an xanga. it has superior suckage, because i only know 2 people that have one. unless there's people i'm unaware of. if so, tell me.

tomorrow is rehearsal. i can't believe i'm missing my cousin's bridal shower for three and a half hours of singing and dancing... no matter how much i love it.

it's late. this is silly of me.

what's with me and the word "silly"?

xoxo
alyssa lynn

i_luv_rocknroll @ 2005-04-09T23:28:00

2005-04-10T03:31:39Z

“I always tell the girls never take it seriously. If you never take it seriously then you never get hurt. If you never get hurt then you always have fun, and if you ever get lonely you can just go to the record store and visit your friends.”- Almost Famous

i might never take anything seriously again. i won't get hurt like i did last time. it will always just be fun... i'll only take things seriously when there's somewhat of a commitment. it should work out fine. it has to be better than the way things turned out this time.

It's a curious thought, but it's only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them. -Agatha Christie

In high school, there were days when you felt like nothing was worth getting out of bed for. But then, you remembered you were going to see him(her)... your day was gonna have all these moments... moments that were full of possibility, when you were sure that something... something was gonna happen -The Wonder Years

Just you and me not saying much of anything, sometimes could mean more than a thousand words -The Ataris

Tell me you'll never forget me, because if I thought you would, I would never leave.-winnie the pooh

Wandering this house like I've never wanted out, And this is about as social as I get now. And I'm throwing away the letters that I am writing you, Cause they would never do, I would never do. -"saints and sailors"

It's hard to explain how I am getting by on so little from you. It's hard to believe that I would let myself get so wrapped into you. -"ender will save us all"

But, I believe in you so much I could die for the words that you say -"ghost of a good thing"

I'll be true, I'll be useful, I'll be cavalier... I'll be yours my dear. and I'll belong to you... if you'll just let me through. -"as lovers go"

Oh, how we've shouted, how we've screamed, take notice, take interest, take me with you -"several ways to die trying"

This is where I say I've had enough And no one should ever feel the way that I feel now -"saints and sailors"

and color the coast with your smile it's the most genuine thing that I've ever seen. I was so lost, but now I believe -"carry this picture"

Pouring over photographs. I'm living in your letters. Breathe deeply from this envelope it smells like you & I can't be without that scent. It's filling me with all you mean to me. -"living in your letters"

So long sweet summer, I stumbled upon you and gratefully basked in your rays. So long sweet slumber. I fell into you now you're gracefully falling away. -"age six racer"

I never knew until that moment, what it was like to lose something I never really had. ~The Wonder Years

tell me where you are tonight, and is everything alright? do you remember what i said, while she's sleeping in your bed? tell me now you smile hard, cuz i don't smile much so far. and is she everything you need; is she everything i couldn't be? does she make everything match better, bring you all the shiny weather that you want? and is she everything... everything i'm not? -something corporate

If i had to explain it, i wouldn't know where to start, its like you fall in love while I just fall apart -the get up kids

And I'm still here waiting there to catch you if you fall, I dont know why I care so much when I shouldn't care at all -the ataris

I poured my heart out to you... it evaporated. -Ben Folds Five

I don't really mind if I'm nothing in your eyes. It's no surprise to me. ~ Wheatus

A great love? It's when you shed a tear and you still long for him. It's when he ignores you and you still love him. It's when he loves another, and you still smile and say "I'm happy for you"

There must be a million people all over the world who never get any love letters..I could be their leader -Charlie Brown

But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing, I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. -Practical Magic

I guess I could call you and ask you "How are you?"
But I really don't have much to say.
I sit all alone and I stare at the phone
And I hope that you're doing o.k.
-The Ataris

Hate me now so I can move on, Make it easier to see that you're gone -Taking back Sunday

They press their lips against you, and you love the lies they say. -Acoustic #3. Goo Goo Dolls

These nights I get high just from breathing ... when I lie here with you I'm sure that I'm real like that firework over the freeway. I could stay here all day, but that's not how you feel. ~ Something Corporate

i hope for your sake that you dont wake up as broken as i am
-the starting line

I'm sorry that I even tried.
I was a fool to have hope in you.
-Daphne Loves Derby

So honestly, how could you say those things
when you know they don't mean anything
And you know very well
that I can't keep my hands to myself
-taking back sunday

and if you ever said you missed me than don't say you never lied --brand new

Sometimes me think, "What is friend?" And then me think... "Friend is what last chocolate chip cookie is for." -Cookie Monster

I'm glad we had the times together just to laugh and sing a song, seems like we just got started and then before you know it, the times we had together were gone. ~ Dr. Suess

you know that place between sleep and awake, where you're still dreaming? that's where i'll always think of you. that's where i'll be waiting -tinkerbell (hook)

That's your problem. You don't want to be in love. You want to be in love in a movie -Sleepless in Seattle

It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything. -Fight Club

"I guess that I'm wrong for falling in love,
But you're still the one that I'm dreaming of.
I guess that it's you I want to hold onto,
But you're holding onto someone else."- The Ataris

"And all the lonely nights
And all the crushing scenes
And all the pointless fights
Someone tell me what it means
Someone tell me why hearts break
'Cause sometimes I think this thing called love is another word for pain
And I'm giving up on happy endings."- Matchbox Romance

“When people think you're dying, they really, really listen to you, instead of just...
waiting for their turn to speak.”- Fight Club

The sparkle in your eye put the stars to shame.

2005-04-10T01:39:17Z

boxes!

and uhm, if anyone feels like writing my bio for me... please do so.

stole this from a little girl called kaylynn

2005-04-09T22:03:01Z

(x) smoked a cigarette
( ) smoked a cigar.
( ) smoked a joint
( i almost crashed jenn's car ) crashed a friend's car
(x i stole jenn's car with pete for about 5 minutes ) stolen a car
(x) been in love
(x) been dumped
( ) shoplifted
( ) been fired
(x) been in a fist fight
(x) snuck out of my parent's house
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) been arrested
( ) made out with a stranger
(x kind of ) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend ~to make them feel better
( ) had a crush on a teacher
(x) been to Europe
(x) skipped school
( ) seen someone die
(x) had a crush on one of you’re my space friends
(x) been to Canada
( ) been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
( ) seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) thrown up in a bar ~
( ) purposely set a part of myself on fire
(x) eaten Sushi
(x) been snowboarding
( ) met someone in person from the internet
( ) been moshing at a concert
( ) been in an abusive relationship
( ) taken painkillers
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel
(x) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
(x almost everyday ) fallen asleep at work/SCHOOL
( ) used a fake id
(x) watched the sun set
( ) felt an earthquake
(x) touched a snake
(x) slept beneath the stars
(x) been tickled
(x) been robbed
(x) been misunderstood
(x) petted a reindeer/goat
(x) won a contest
( ) run a red light
(x three days ) been suspended from school
(x) been in a car accident
( ) had braces
(x) felt like an outcast
(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) danced in the moonlight
(x) hated the way you look
(x not a big one, just matt) witnessed a crime
(x) pole danced i have my own pole at the church that teen theatre uses, don't i, sara?
(x) been obsessed with post-it notes
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
( ) been to the opposite side of the country
(x) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like dying
(x) cried yourself to sleep
(x) played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(x) sung karaoke
(x) paid for a meal with only coins
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x if younger means last week ) made prank phone calls when you were younger
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) danced in the rain
( ) been kissed under the mistletoe
( ) watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
( ) made a bonfire on the beach
( ) crashed a party
(x) gone rollerskating
(x) had a wish come true
( ) humped a monkey
(x) worn pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
(x) screamed PENIS in public
(x it was on a dish and i thought it was regualr tuna, so i put it on a cracker ) ate dog/cat food
( ) told a complete stranger you loved them
(x) kissed a mirror
(x) sang in the shower
(x haha the little black slut dress, cassandra ) have/had a little black dress.
(x) had a dream that you married someone
( ) glued your hand to something
( ) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
( ) kissed a fish
(x) worn the opposite sex's clothes
(x) been a cheerleader
(x i love it. i do it all the time ) sat on a roof top
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
( ) didn't take a shower for a week
(x) picked and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
(x) had a tree house
( ) are scared to watch scary movies
(x) believe in ghosts
( ) have more than 30 pairs of shoes
(x) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
(x) gone streaking
(x) pushed into a pool/lake with all your clothes on
(x) been told you're beautiful by a complete stranger
( ) broken a bone
(x) been easily amused
( ) caught a fish then ate it
(x) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
(x) cried so hard you laughed
(x) mooned someone
(x) had someone moon/flash you
(x) cheated on a test
(x) have a Britney Spears CD
(x) forgotten someone's name?
(x) slept naked
( ) French braided someone's hair?
( ) grown a beard
( ) belong to the KKK.
( ) slept with your bf/ gfs friend before.

workin at the carwash.

2005-04-09T17:29:57Z

got home from the carwash. i was there for a few hours, and then mommy made me come home. it was cold, because i got exceptionaly wet. you have no idea. i'm all toasty now though because i'm wearing comfy sweatpants and a sweatshirt and such. i'm not sure if i'm going to borough fest or not tonight. i don't really care about it, that's the thing. i have to scrapbook my philly pictures. whoever took the ones of me and cavan, took like 3. so i have six copies, and they're all really adorable. all i need is really 3. so if anyone wants a nice picture of me and cavany cav cav cavan... just ask. i look adorable. ask kulmann, he saw it when i got them developed and i saw him in walmart. you know you want a copy, so ask me. much love.

xoxo
alyssa

i_luv_rocknroll @ 2005-04-09T10:21:00

2005-04-09T17:22:14Z

i have way too many interests in my profile.

i_luv_rocknroll @ 2005-04-08T23:09:00

2005-04-09T03:12:13Z

i'm so tired. physically and emotionally. i got nothing done tonight. i wanted to clean my rom and do my homework. i didn't. crying makes me tired. i want to go to sleep, but my mom is watching a movie in my room with her friend susan. because they suck hardcore right now. i'm doing better with being more positive with my thinking, and not so negative in my ways. i didnt think anything bad about anyone in the past hour or so. i'm excited.

tonight, we all grew up i suppose.

2005-04-09T01:47:31Z

at least i did. it took a lot. it took yelling and feeling hated and feeling alone and lost to realize how obscene this whole thing was. and as much as i would liketo think that i was ok in my actions, i wasn't. and i am sorry. more than you can imagine. but this is a learning experience. no regrets, but i'll know for next time. next time there's a friend or a person that i dislike, i'll be more understanding and compassionate and less rude and blunt. i'll be kind. i'll go back to the way i was, when my whole belief was "treat people like people". and maybe that was a statement made at a young and less knowing age, but it's so underrated.it's like that song that michael jackson sings, where he goes "i'm starting with the man in the mirror. i'm asking him to change his ways". that's what i'm doing. before i can go on ridiculing people for ignorance and stupidity and being stupid bitches, i'm starting with myself. i'm not going to be a stupid bitch like i have been lately. and i'm sorry to everyone that i hurt for it. i feel like i'm babbling, but i don't care. i was completely out of line and there's nothing i can do to make it up to anyone but to veiw things as i veiwed them before. to be the nicest person i knew how to be. it's going to take trying. but it's going to be worth it. i promise you that. you will all notice that i've changed into this, but it's just a stage, and i realize that now. i'm still changing, i haven't ever really stopped. but this time the change is all on me. it doesnt lie in fate's hands, or in time, or with anyone. it's my turn to change myself for me and everyone else.

i love you all.
xoxo

the day is getting much better.

2005-04-08T23:04:24Z

went to walmart. got pictures developed. saw kulmann. brightened my day tons. he gave me a hug that made me feel like i was going to pop. but he's awesome and i love him so it's ok.

marc is coming tonight for dinner. should be a nice evening.